Seriously, these are all in the list of Top Ten Things People Give Up For Lent. I mean really? No swearing for forty days? Don’t you have children, work colleagues or rush hour? I find that suggestion f*cking laughable.
Cheese? Please, as if! Where would I be without my daily dose of blue, whether that’s in the form of our fantastic Bath Blue, the ever popular Dorset Blue Vinny or the ‘I’m sorry I can’t sell you this because I’ve just decided to eat it myself’ Isle of Wight Blue. And then we have the non-blues, the Morn Dew, the Rachel and Somerset Cheese Cos Pennard Ridge. And don’t even get me started on the cheddars. If any of you were wondering about the profit margins on our cheeses it’s zero because I eat at least a third of what comes into the shop.
Coffee? Don’t go there, I will rip your effing head off if you get between me and my coffee. Try it, I dare you.
Chocolate, ha, I know you lot. You may say you’re giving up chocolate but then the justifications and ‘well just this time’ exceptions come in, then you feel bad and need to self-medicate with another square or ten. Oh, dark chocolates okay is it? Well how dark is dark? Surely milk chocolate is darker than white, and let’s face it white chocolate isn’t actually white is it? Yes, you’re right, giving up chocolate is a stupid idea that will ultimately lead to failure and make you eat more of it.
Alcohol? See above, although to be fair I haven’t had a drink for three months now but that’s more to do with my liver than lent.
But it’s Lent, you have to give up something… Well how about giving up shopping at the multinationals whose profits all get squirrelled away to a tax haven where some rich git slings them on his pile and continues to grind his heel into the people that need his help the most? Stop shopping at Tescos or Sainsburys for forty days. Don’t fill your car up at Asda or Esso because it’s the cheapest – take it to your local garage, pay the extra few pence per litre and help put someones kid through school. Book yourself onto a course to learn how to make bread or pasta – I guarantee it will be the best thing you’ve done in a while, you’ll feel healthier both physically and mentally and your food will taste so much better! Check the labels on the food you do buy then check this website to see where it ranks on the ethics table and ask yourself if you could do better by giving the extra 50p to a local person who has dedicated their life to making that sauce, that curry, that lemonade or beer and who would really, really appreciate your decision and more than likely re-invest that money in another local persons product, because they understand how it works.
How about putting your phone down? I’m not suggesting going cold turkey and giving up on facebook instacaine and twitter altogether, just get an app like Offtime or BreakFree that limits your time per day thus creating more youtime, family time and moments of clarity and appreciation. While we’re on the theme join a local yoga group or find a really cool martial arts society that will make you feel ten times better and allow you to hit likeminded people with swords.
Finally give up putting yourself under pressure to be better. Just be yourself. You’ve been yourself for a long time now, you are who you are, the sooner you accept it the sooner you realise that everyone else is in the same boat heading over the same Falls so just chillax and enjoy it. Oh, and come and buy yourself a treat from the deli, you deserve it!